This year everything changed. Steven passed away on Labor Day. A day of rest from our labors. Steve can now rest, too... from all his sorrows that only he and God knew. He's been through so much affliction and battled things most of us will never comprehend. But... peace has come in the season that brings change. Steve can now reap the full harvest of rest and healing. He can learn again. The things of God. He will be able to see his divine potential in an eternal plan. His season of change has come!
I've put off doing this month's post for a while. Pictures trigger memories... both happy and sad. It's taken some time, but I'm ready to move forward. September will once again become a beautiful season full of change, hope, joy, and now peace.
September 1 - Birthday
Today is Jarrett's 9th birthday. I made a trip to Price to deliver the last order of peaches to Amie and stopped by Steve's for a while before going back home. I gave Jarrett his birthday present and then, as always, Steve took me outside and gave me a grand tour of the place.
Little did I know this would be the last time I would get the tour. Steve led me to the back yard and hopped on Jarrett's four wheeler and spun out, creating a large circle around the barren ground. He was a "big kid" having fun, as usual. I watched, with a big smile on my face! I enjoyed seeing him clown around. He was in his element.
Next on my tour, Steve showed me the new shed Misty won from the county fair drawing. It was small but would serve its purpose perfectly. Steve was going to move it to the front side yard and organize his tools in it. The big shed would house the large yard equipment. He was always very excited to show me something he was working on. And, I always let him know how proud I was of him.
You can never leave the place without seeing the animals. There's always a new farm yard friend to pet or cuddle with. That seems to always be my parting gift. And... "mom, do you want to take a cat home!" "No... thank you!"
As always, Steve and I hugged and told each other "I love you". It breaks my heart that I would never see my son again on earth. But how grateful I am that he always knew I loved him... unconditionally. I was proud of him for his accomplishments and encouraged him to follow his dreams. How thankful I am that my last words to him were "I love you!" Oh... how thankful!
September 2 - Dress up
The dress up box came out today! Audrey had some errands to do, so I volunteered to watch the kiddos. When I got to the house the kids were knee deep in dress up clothes. The combination of clothes, shoes, capes, hats, gloves, tutu's, etc. were wild! It was fun watching them play.
September 4 - Smarty Pants
Ben loves his pre-school. Today he came home with a hand print and poem. He's also learning and doing his best to write his name!
Audrey and Emilee
A precious picture of a sweet little girl and her mommy.
Learning to sit up requires a lot of practice!
James is learning to sit up. It is taking lots of practice, but he doesn't mind the leans and spills. Mommy is usually there to soften the landing.
September 6 - Chocolate Cake
Audrey had not been feeling well lately. I had the impression to have her and the family up tonight and make a cake for Emilee. I'm glad I did. The next week would be nothing but a nightmare and a blur. Tomorrow would change. Nothing would ever be the same. Emmy still needed her special day.
I often wonder why I got that prompting to have Audrey's family up. It was a strong impression. We were going to have a bbq at our house tomorrow. Why did she need to come up tonight? I wonder why I never got a prompting to call Steve and see what he was doing over Labor Day weekend. I wonder if I would have called and invited him up if he would still be here today. I wonder... and wonder... and wonder. What if?
Raising the Flag
The kids helped Dave hang the flag on the pole and raise it to the top.
It was such a sad, sad day. A day I want to forget. That day is so hard to re-live. Steven, my son. I loved him so much. He was perfect for me. He had his problems and trials, but that did not diminish the unconditional love I had for him.
Steven was a joy! He was smart and funny and always brought a smile to my face. He was kind and loving. Steven's characteristics made him unique. The left side of his mouth drooped when he smiled or cried. In his early years he was known for his "fire engine" cry. Steven had a love for exploring and discovering. He was self taught on many subjects, but he particularly liked learning about the physical attributes of the sky above and the world beneath. He was fascinated with the inner workings of things and of the mind.
Steven was quiet unless you were lucky to know him on a personal level. Everything that came out of his mouth was so funny. He didn't even have to think about what he was saying. He was a natural comedian.
Steven inherited family genes that would prove to be some of the greatest challenges in his life. Depression, bipolar disorder, and alcohol addiction got the best of him. Steven hated his addiction and wanted to live a "normal" life. He never could find it.
Looking back on today, I am left with a broken heart for a son that left this life too soon. Too soon for me. But I know that he is finding the peace and rest he was desperately in need of. I know he is learning to "live" how he wanted to live. I know he is surrounded by loved ones helping him on his journey of healing. One of my first impressions was that Grandpa "Bill" was his personal companion. His mentor. Grandpa loves his great grandson and he knows what it is like to live with addiction and depression. He's been there. How thankful I am that grandpa is Steven's ministering Angel in heaven. I also know that Shaniel is constantly by his side to help and encourage him. She had great love and influence over him on earth, and I know she has even more in heaven. I'm thankful that mom and dad are there to show him the way. To be the examples Steve needs to progress. He is being watched over and taken care of. One day, Steve's afflictions here on earth will be far behind him. He will be able to help, serve, and bless others who struggle. My faith gives me the hope to know these things are true.
It will be a great reunion when I pass to the other side and see Steven again. I love him. I'm thankful everyday that he has always known that. He is my son. He will always be perfect for me. I look forward to the day that we can pick up our relationship once again.
September 11 - Until we meet again
Saying good bye to Steve was hard. So hard. But I have been comforted. Peace has come.
Steven was buried in the Cleveland City Cemetery. His resting place is beautiful and peaceful. Another place to visit. Another place to lay flowers. Another place... until we meet again dear son.
September 12 - Birthday in the shadows
We barely got through Emilee's birthday. The week was hard. It was a blur. But Emmy knew she had a special day, even with the lack of organization. She is such a sweet, sweet little girl. She never complains and always has a smile on her face no matter what!
After Emilee opened her gifts, Kelsey's family, Audrey's family and Dave and I went to Doc's Flat and cooked hobo dinners on a camp fire. It was a much needed "get away" from a week of sadness.
September 17 - Emilee goes Shopping
I decided to take Emilee shopping for a birthday outfit. She loved it! It was fun to see her wander through a couple of stores searching for the "perfect outfit." She settled on a jeans, shirt, and jacket combination hanging together. She picked out a big purple bow to complement the outfit. Afterwards, we went to a park in North Ogden that had a walking trail. It was a good day to get our minds off the last week and a half.
See more of Emilee's shopping trip here.
September - Birthday Gift
Thirty seven years ago I received the best birthday gift... a beautiful healthy baby girl, born on September 19th. I took her home two days later on my birthday. We named our new baby girl Amie. It fits her! She has grown into a beautiful woman, both on the inside and out. She is kind, compassionate, and loving. She has a green thumb and it shows in her yard work. Beautiful beds of flowers, colorful pots of flowers, a vegetable garden and green plants, benches and other personal touches allow passerby's a view into Amie's creative side. I especially love her Shaniel garden. Next year she will expand it to include Steven. Amie is always thinking of someone she can make something for. I love my sweet, second daughter. I can't even imagine living a moment without her in my life.
September 20 - Celebrating
Maybe, subconsciously, I was trying to create another "change". A change from where we had just come from - emotionally. It was good to be in the mountains. It has become a place of refuge. Another place to call home. Just like it often was when I was young. Being in the mountains with my family was home. A home for the summers. It was safety, security, and love. I'm thankful for this draw and memory. It has been my salvation this month.
As usual, Chad made a delicious dinner of cheesy potatoes and bbq chicken. Kelsey made the traditional birthday pumpkin sheet cake. Mike took the kiddos hiking up the mountain to gather leaves and "pan for gold". Dad surely was there tonight. Helping us heal. Helping in the search for gold!
Thanks for a great birthday kids! It was a welcome gift.
Come and hike, pan for gold, and sit around the campfire with the kids and I here.
September 21 - Pictures in the Park
Today, we had a photo shoot for Emilee in her new birthday outfit. We went to the fish park where she climbed up colorful ladders, slid down slides, and crawled through tunnels... all the while posing for pictures. What a good sport she was! And what a beautiful model! The pictures I enjoyed the most were natural, of course. Kids are always the cutest when they are just being kids. While walking to the van, Emilee found a dead flower in the grass, bent over to pick it up, and studied it as if it were the prettiest thing she had ever seen! I love this little girl. She brings joy to my heart!
If you want to get to know this little girl better, click here to see more darling pictures.
September 24 - Old Grist Mill
Amie came up today. The girls and I went to lunch at Old Grist Mill to celebrate mine and Amie's birthdays. It was so enjoyable. It helped us, once again, to be together and think on happier things. In our conversations, we couldn't help but reminisce about the happy memories with Steve. We laughed and cried. It was a day of emotions. It was a day of the beginnings of healing.
Football Game
Later in the day, we drove to Morgan and caught the tail end of a Football game between Emery High and Morgan High. Riley and Chandler pose for a picture.
Take II
Brayden is such a joy! He is so funny and comes up with the brightest ideas ever. Today he and a friend came to the house after school to work on a school project. He brought his video camera and scoured the barn for props. I never thought once about the things he found and used. It was fun watching the boys use their imaginations.
But... when Dave came home he didn't find it so funny. He was so mad. He yelled at me, he yelled at Brayden, and his friend was scared to death. He called his mom right away... and he hasn't been back to the house since.
Sadly, there will never be a Take III. The video came to an abrupt end.
Lunch in the Park
Emilee enjoys a sandwich before playing.
I'm so happy that Audrey lives so close to me. We often take the kiddos to the park. Today, Audrey packed a lunch for the kids in their really awesome insulated lunch bags.
Outdoor Play
James, Ben and Emilee
Summer lingered longer this year. The end of September's weather provided many days
for playing outdoors and running in the grass.
Month in Review
Birthdays
2 comments:
children--whence comes our greatest joys and our greatest sorrow. I read that in a book once and it has stuck with me as truth love and hugs.
Beautiful Post Carol. So happy you still can find those things that brought you so much joy.
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