When I talk to mom on the phone, it hurts my heart to hear sadness, fear, and pain in her voice. I have to yell in the phone for her to hear me. Our conversations have to end all too soon because she is too weak to carry one on. I want to reach through the phone and hug her and take it all away.... the sadness and pain. My grief is so heartfelt and deep for her. I cry sometimes for hours after talking to her. I love my mother so very much. I want to keep her safe. I want her to have joy in her last days on earth. I want to save her from her fears.
Today, I panicked after talking to her on the phone. I was bound and determined that she would come here and live with me after her 100 days in the nursing home were up. I went downstairs and assessed the room where she would stay. It's on the west end of the house. The room is large... enough room for a bed, dressers, her much loved curio cabinet, her living room set. She would rest comfortably. I was so sure! I took a picture of the view from the large window that she could look out every day. Plenty of natural light would fill the room every day. My plan was to show my brothers and sisters the pictures of how nice it would be for mom to live with me. I was sure they would all agree!
I closed my mind to how hard it would really be to care for her, how unrealistic. I just knew I loved my mother with all my heart and wanted to rescue her and make it all better. In my mind I was doing just that.
1 comment:
It is a pretty view and she would have loved it. This isn't the room with the safe or is it?
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